Randomnet: A truly random parody

[Zhs2]

Well, I actually finished my SFW writing project. Imagine that, eh? The entire thing is an inside joke, though, so don't be expecting too much more than that, k? :P Creds to my beta readers who helped out a ton, and the IRC network it's about for all their love and support. Cheers!

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Randomnet: A Truly Random Parody
By Zhs2
Beta readers: uNsane (a.k.a. Roga,) hayashi (a.k.a. Matt), JohnK (a.k.a. John Kevin)

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Disclaimer: This story is copyright 2009 Zhs2. This story is pure fiction, but I do not reserve any right to any or all characters or likenesses for they do happen to exist in the real world at this time. Do not use my story or parts of it for your own; I ask that you use your own imagination instead and see what happens. Do not post or change my story and subsequently repost without my permission, because then I'll hunt you down and bother you. Don't ask for permission, either, because you most likely won't receive it (see two sentences before.)
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In a small, seedy part of town lies my office, the door of which reads "Zeke Sitkoff, Private Eye". I wasn't from around here, mind you, but the management happened to like me so much as to entreat me with the responsibility of policing any criminal matters. I even got a nice trenchcoat, to boot. <3

Last Thursday, 6:22 P.M. I was sitting there doing my own thing (which at the time happened to be stereotypically smoking one of those beautiful Cuban cigars and proofreading one of my latest... works) when the lady showed up.

... Technically, "lady" isn't the best term for him, but if he is man enough to be it, then I am man enough to accept it.
"Have a seat, lady, I'll be right with you." As I sat there fixing my last few revisions, I watched him go through cigarette after cigarette as he sat there weeping. Taking pity on him, I saved and closed my document early, then silently turned to him, pulling the cigar out of my mouth as I went.

"What's your name, sweetheart?"
He sat there for a moment, trying to choke up an answer. "John," he finally spoke. "John Kevin Perkins, Junior."
"What seems to be the problem, then, John?," I replied, taking another puff. "You've been flooding my office with tears and cheap smoke for the past half hour."
"It's a sham!" he wailed. "My precious IRCds, gone!"
"There, there..." I attempted to comfort him.
"How will I ever manage to switch between them again?," he continued.

A realization went through my head right then and there. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I REFUSE to take this case--"
"Please!," he begged. "I'll, I'll pay!"
That caught my interest, even if the details of actually TAKING the job were unsavory. "What did you have in mind?"
"A promotion." I proceeded to stand up and pace behind my desk, still puffing. Getting better.
"To what? Services Admin, I hope?"
"Oh, no. I simply couldn't--"
"Well, guess you're on your own then."
"Alright, alRIGHT!," he sobbed. "I'll do it, but you'd better find my shit or it'll be your head!"
Now THAT is what I like to hear.

"Alright, Lady, you've got yourself a deal," I enthused, sitting back down at my desk and putting my feet up. "Now, lay me out the facts of the case, willya? When and where did it happen?"
"Well, you see..." he started, drying his eyes with his shirt, "it happened earlier today... I was cleaning out some of my webspace when I noticed it."
I sat there for a minute. "Noticed what?"
"Noticed that they were GONE, dammit!," he whimpered.
"Mmhmm," I nodded in assent. "Anything unusual you happened to notice at the time?"
"No, not really. I even checked the logs, but nobody showed up on the radar!"
At this point, my butt was at its humble end, and so I put it out in the ashtray then threw it into my waste basket. "Well, what are we waiting for? Lead us to the place it all started, milady!"

----

Same Thursday, around a half-hour later. We were taking a lovely stroll through the country towards John's house, a stroll that we had no choice other than to take just because John's house was literally on the other side of the entire territory.

Strolling down the path, I spotted someone just over the horizon. I started moving to hide myself, but took a second look and noticed that she was seemingly non-moving. She gave off the strong impression that she was put here for a reason. She left me with the weird impression that she was an omnipotent being, seemingly beautiful in her existence, and yet she was horrendously ugly at the same time, too. John had seen me staring at this amorphous being and decided to speak up.
"Oh, that's Secksie. Saying her name makes her talk."
"Hmmm," I contemplated, when all of a sudden it spoke up, saying, "Secksie is a secksie secksie."
Lifting one eyebrow, I tried to figure out how this bizarre being worked, as well as how properly to question it. "So, 'Secksie'... did you happen to witness anything unusual tonight?"
A short pause. "Secksie had that unusual thing that i. Cd in the linux tray about an ircd."
Hmmm, a relevant response. "Excuse me? How did you know the case was about missing IRCds, Miss Secksie?"
Another short pause. "Secksie secksie secksie."
Lifting my other eyebrow, I started to realize the method behind this... thing's madness.
"With my major in detecting... detective skills, I have deduced one of the three things. Either you are vaguely unintelligent, not listening to a word I say, or you are a bot."
At this point, John finally spoke up, somewhat miffed. "She's an eggdrop."
"A what?"
"An eggdrop. A bot someone wrote for general use, not to mention keeping it open source."
"Uhuh. Well, I think she is a veeeeeeery suspicious subject. Why, you ask? She knows something, and I intend to get to the bottom of this!"
"But--"
"Secksie!" I yelled out, giving her a sharp kick to the face. "You know something, and you're gonna tell me what!"
A short pause before she got back up and spoke. "That the secksie knows Windows XP in the fucking phone."
"ZEKE!" John screamed, as I continued to kick her in the face repeatedly. "LISTEN TO ME GODDAMMIT!"
I stopped. "What, say it, geez!"
"Secksie is not an infobot, nor does she have any function to steal things, much less my IRCds!" John pleaded desperately. "If you don't stop harassing my precious Secksie, you're off the case and outta here for good!"
I growled in defeat, pointing a finger at Secksie. "I know you know something, and I'll find out what. Let's go, John."

----

Yet again I found myself strolling down the path to the main square with a slightly pissed John Kevin Perkins, Junior in tow, contemplating to myself what it could possibly be that the enigmatic being named Secksie was trying to hide from me. Of course, we'd also run into the bot known only as CIA-1, but he'd spoken nary a word. I knew it was going to get dark in about an hour's time, so we'd have to make quick with our movement towards John's domain. Unfortunately, that does not mean we didn't run into anyone along the way.

We'd just reached the townsquare (which was not quite hopping yet, for it wasn't late at night) and were almost on the other side when a rather sudden shout of "HEY ZEKE THERE YOU ARE COME BACK HERE YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!" stopped me in my tracks.
I spun around rather quickly, only to see Roga standing there. "Oh, hello, Roga! What are you doing here?"
His answer was short and simple. "Urmom."
I decided to ignore that little comment, and focus on the case at hand. "Tell me, Roga, have you seen anything... unusual tonight?"
"Yes," he replied. "Urmom in the missionary position." I was just about to kick HIM in the face too.
"OMFG ZEKE REMEMBER GET," he said suddenly.
"What, what is it? And speak softly!" I'd scolded.
Roga took a minute to think about it. "Kawinma. I haven't seen him around very often. I'm wondering where he is 'cuz I'm having some trouble with connecting to aluminum. <_<"
Hmmm. Very odd, I thought to myself. "Well, thanks for the info, uNsane. Oh, and this." I stated, kicking him in the face.
"Grah!" he yelled. "I'LL KILL YOU!"
"If you were a ninja, I'd be dead," I cracked back. "Good day."
We left him standing there, somewhat bewildered but mostly irked at our pleasant exchange. From my stand upon the path, it was almost as if I could hear a distant, but yet very clear, "PENIS LOLOLOL."

----

We continued onward, trekking a ways past the "dunno" place and the help booth when we ran into another familiar face.
"Oh hai there Zylstra!" I exclaimed, making him jump. Unfortunately, he ran off as we approached, leaving behind only a solitary note.
"'Gone to watch the Opera,'" I read, as I snatched the paper out of midair, "'Then it's on to Sims 3!' Dang that kid, I hope he doesn't know anything!"
"Don't worry," John said with a smile on his face, almost laughing at my sudden misfortune. "I didn't tell anyone but you about the 'incident'..."
"Hrumph," I grunted. "A detective chases down every possible lead he can get! Speaking of which..."

I stopped suddenly as a sort of rustling noise came from the trees around us. I spun around, trying to locate where it was coming from.
"What, what is it!" John Kevin cried out in a panic.
I silenced him with a hand signal. "Be quiet! I've got this!"
I proceeded to jump into the bushes headfirst at the source, tackling a mysterious being to the ground from his hiding spot. We'd rolled out of the tangles for a little ways as I wrestled with him, finally coming to a stop on a podunk little path.
"Aha!" I yelled, slightly out of breath, as John Kevin walked up behind me. "If it isn't a Matt Windsor I've caught!"

As it was, I was pinning him to the ground where we lay. The exact positioning was quite embarrassing tbqh, so I stood back up and blushed as soon as I realized.
"Ehem, err, uh, yeah. Matt Windsor!" I yelled once again, as I regained my composure. "What in the hell are you doing getting caught in flora and fauna?"
He rolled over to answer, and I was mildly surprised to see a flush of red adorning his cheeks as well. "Ehhh, shouldn't it be obvious? Eheheheh."
I got the answer immediately. "You're stalking me, aren't you."
At this, he donned a frown then a grin, and slowly nodded his head. "Yes, yes I was. But I'm your stalker, man! :)"

I could do nothing else but turn a deep shade of crimson. "Well, yes, yes of course! Ahem."
I took out my cloth rag and wiped the sweat off of my face, giving me time to recover. As soon as I would have it stuffed in my pocket, the gloves are off, I thought.
"So, Mister Matt! I assume you know what the case is, hmm?"
"Case? What case?"
"You know..." I replied, rolling my eyes. "The sole reason I'm out traveling with John Kevin tonight."
"Oh, that," he replied slowly. "If I understand correctly, it's about a theft? Of John's IRCds?"
"Yes," I replied. "You wouldn't happen to know anything, would you...?"
"No, not that I know of, sorry. :(" Matt replied. "All I really know is what I overheard you guys talking about. Well, if you don't mind, I'm off to teach some marketing crap to Secksie. I guarantee it will be hilarious."
"Uhhh-huh," I said mostly to myself as he ran off. "Another step on the path, another clueless suspect. Man, do none of these guys have alibis or what?"
"Unnh?" John groaned, pulling me along. "C'mon, we gotta get to the scene of the crime before it gets too dark."
I watched the distance for a few seconds longer before I gave in and started moving north again. I began to get a theory in my mind of what really went down, but I couldn't be too sure. Discarding all thought, I put my mind into my legs, and off we went.

----

Not soon after that awkward encounter did we run into AJ, who was a silly man of sorts. And by silly, I meant "totally random," as I was informed by John Kevin.
"Greetings, AJ!," I called out.
"Bacon and eggs! Err, oh. Hi friend!," he replied in earnest.
"Mmhmmm. Say, you wouldn't happen to know anything about a theft tonight, would you?"
"I am a girl!"
Raising an eyebrow for what might have been the third time tonight, I couldn't help but feel I was the victim of a long, hard satire. "Dude, cooperate with me. I'm looking for IRCds. John's, to be honest."
"What, you think I can't be serious?," he shot back.
Wow, I thought. Random nonetheless, but it put me on the spot. "Sort of. You think you can?"
"I think so too!," he said as he smiled. "You want more clues, it's down the path and on the left."
I rolled my eyes at him. "You think I wasn't heading to the crime scene, smart guy? Okay, look. Just tell me if you know anything and we'll be on our way, okay?"
"Nope," he said rather quickly, as he headed off. "I love you too!"

I shook my head in a small gesture of defeat, smiling to myself. Why oh why did everyone here have to have just the right touch of unusual?
This time, it was my turn to drag John along. "C'mon, John. Let's keep-a moving."

----

There it was. JohnK Manor, sitting about 50 feet away from us, was quite the impressively built architecture it had always been; its spires stretched high into the night sky, flowing into loops and curls in the roof structure. At least, that's all I could really see with the treeline in the way. We still had a ways to go, so I wasn't about to let my guard down just yet.

"Excuse me..." A female voice came from behind. I jumped and turned on the spot.
"ACK! Geez, I've been startled enough today!," I complained loudly. "What's your name and profession, lady?"
"Name? Nedemai... as for profession, well, let's just say I'd like to be done with it sooner than later."
I rubbed my recently-shaved mustache hair, trying to regain my composure as best I could. "Well, what you do isn't really that important right now, anyway. A better question to ask would be, 'Would you happen to know anything about JohnK's missing IRCds as of late...?'"
"No, not really.", she looked about (a bit sadly, might I add,) "I've been more focused upon bothering everyone for money for a gaming laptop. :("
"Hmmmm," I noted. "Well, if you see anything, miss, be sure to report it. I'm late enough getting to the actual scene of the crime as it is, and I must be off. Good night."
She gave nary a reply, but only gave me her best kitteh eyes as I walked off into the darkness and towards the climax of the hill, where the manor was situated.

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Standing in front of the magnificent structure, I took nary a glance at the wonderful craftsmanship of the overarching construct with its flowing design, stream-breaking windows and magnificent archways. (Okay, so it wasn't nary a glance.) I pushed on the high doorway until it opened a crack, and prepared to step inside...

That is, until a large and overbearing figure just coming out of the doorway knocked me on my back. "Ooooof..." I complained, as I looked up at the person standing there.
"COCKS," it, or as I hoped I correctly deduced from the bass offset of the voice, he spoke.
"Kawinma!" John exclaimed. "Err, how long have you been here?"
"idk my bff jill," he stated simply. "What | are you looking | at ME for?" The fact that I could DETECT the return spaces in his idle conversation made him a suspicious subject, for sure.
"Well," I explained as I stood back up, "This is a crime scene, and you're no less dubitable for standing in it! I'm going to need to ask you a few questions, sir."
"wut."
"You wouldn't happen to know anything about anything stolen, would you?" I remarked, getting up in his face. "WOULD YOU?"
"Get outta my face," he said. "Right now | I | Am gonna shank a bitch."
"Why so? You aren't thinking of picking a fight, are you?" I half-taunted.
"No," a voice from behind him spoke. Kawinma casually stepped out of the doorway to reveal a rather snotty-looking individual. Compared to Kawinma's mighty form, he was a short, skinny rail of existence. His mouth curled into a sneer as he spoke. "At least, not with you kids today. Step outta here."
"Sprite!" John half-shouted. "It wasn't you, was it? You didn't!"
"Didn't what?," he said with contempt. "Steal something from you, I hope? IRCds? >:)"
"Arrrrgh, you bastard!" John said, jumping at Sprite. Kawinma and I jumped into the fray as well, each with their own loyalties in the mass. Sprite and Kawinma swung furiously at us while John and I did our best to counter the enemies rapid attackings. I got hit in the nose and stomach quite a few times, while John doubled over with a few bruises of his own. The enemy wasn't without their own losses, though. Just as soon as we prepared to attack each other again, we were stopped by a sudden shout of "WAIIIIIT!"

It was then that we all looked up from our physical argument to see a group of 5 people moving our way. "Stop fighting! It wasn't them!" A male voice said. They stopped, mostly out of breath, in front of the giant manor, and hence us. I looked them over, and recognized Roga, Zylstra, AJ, Matt, and Nedemai, in that order.
"You guys..." John started. "But why? ;_;"
"Well, you see..." Matt started. "We hate the constant switching up you do with those goddamned things, it kinda drives us nuts."
"I was promised a kitteh," Nedemai wailed.
"I was promised 500 US dollars," Roga stated.
"I was bored," Zylstra said.
"How's that cheese today, fellas?" AJ rambled.
"Urrrgh," I said, groaning from some of the pain as I got up and brushed myself off. "I kinda have to agree with Matt, John... It does get annoying."
John only gave me a genuine sad face, while Kawinma and Sprite stared at the group with looks of semi-disgust (moreso on Sprite's face.)
"Ahhhh, what do I care?" Sprite remarked, as he began to walk away. "I pulled out for a reason! I'm outta here."

We watched Sprite walk off for a minute or so, then we turned back to the 5 culprits. "You know what to do... you gotta hand them back."
"Yeah, we're getting to that..." Matt said, when AJ stepped forth. "Hold on, Matt. I'll take this. Now, as we were saying... We'd like you to not change up the IRCds every other week. If you can promise that, we'll gladly hand them back. :("
"Well, of course!" John exclaimed. "I just had no idea you guys felt so strongly about it... My apologies."
"Well, that mystery's solved! The only question is... what was Sprite doing in your house?"
John went a little pale at that, and ran off after Sprite. I chuckled to myself, thinking, "What a crazy night."

----

One week later, I was sitting in my office posting up one of my latest releases when the lady busted in the door again.
"Please," he begged, crying his eyes out vehemently. "I need your help!"
I spun around in my swivel chair, reaching for another stick of potential ashes littering my fine detective-y trenchcoat. "What seems to be the problem, ma'am?"
"It's a sham!" he wailed, going through cigarette after cigarette. "The IRCds, they're missing their config files now! It'll take forever to write them up again!"
"C'mon now, don't cry..." I coaxed him, with a slight sense of déjà vu.
"How will I ever manage to switch between IRCds ever again?" He went on.

It was going to be a long night.

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[squishy_ichigo]

Truely hilarious! I just wish I understood a few of those inside jokes! :3

Now we need a #metconst parody! LAWYER TIME! DO IT!

favorite part:
... Technically, "lady" isn't the best term for him, but if he is man enough to be it, then I am man enough to accept it.

[zephyrtronium]

You misspelled truly again. >_>

[Zhs2]

My brain works in strange ways. :(

[RealRed]

I was promised 500 US dollars.

[Lunaria]

WIN!