Fanfic Series Pre-Prologue

[Ralisor]

So, Metconst, I was thinking for a bit about making a series of fan-fic stories, each focusing on one of Samus' missions. I said, Why the hell not, and I started one about an hour ago. I'll post it here, so you can read it, and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is preferred, whilst destructive criticism will make me sad. Thanks!

I had the idea to make a fanfic series based on each games, so why not?

[spoiler]PROLOGUE

As the flames roared around Uk-tor, he picked up a small human child, lost in the ashes, and she cried out a single word.
   "Mama?"
He walked back to his ship, and flew away from the destruction of K-2L, never to return again.





































CHAPTER 1

   Uk-tor walked behind his father, trying not to fall behind on his way to the Altar, immersed in the strange etchings on the walls. The Altar was the location of the rite of passage for all adolescent Chozo males, and it was completely new to Uk-tor because it is forbidden to all, unless they are reaching the coming of age. Uk-tor's father, Ju-zan was the head of the foreign affairs wing, and he was in charge of all deals, wars, and alliances with the foreign races. He had been recently distraught about the war with the Space Pirates, which had caused his temper with Uk-tor to shorten a great deal. Uk-tor was constantly asking about the Altar, wondering where it was, how it looked, and when he can go, which caused some tension between the two. Uk-tor had been completely silent since the journey from the living quarters, because he knew that his father would not be afraid to delay his passage at the Altar.
They rounded the corner and walked under the Arch of Coming, which led them straight into the Altar. Uk-tor, being completely consumed by his curiosity, sprinted ahead into the center of the room, and stared in awe at the great statue of Jel-ta, the one who led the Chozo race into the first Great Age. Ju-zan grabbed his son strongly by the wrist, and tugged him over to the altar, where Jo-tey began to speak.
   "Uk-tor, you are coming of age, and thus, becoming a fully grown member of the Chozo race. You shall follow your father, Ju-zan, in the foreign affairs business, until your son is coming of age. Do you accept, Uk-tor?"
   Having practiced what he was going to say, Uk-tor responded with a quick, proud, "Yes, sir." He hoped that his own son would be following him in the foreign affairs, when his rite of passage was upon them, as far away as that would be.
Jo-tey began to speak once again. "Uk-tor, I now present you with your own Power Suit. This device is given to any who deal in the foreign department, to protect against those who rebel against our peace. Follow me, Uk-tor and Ju-zan, we shall go to the armory now."  Jo-tey led them around a winding expanse of passages, and into a large, square room. From there, they walked towards the left of the room, and Jo-tey picked up a rounded disk, with three glowing purple orbs protruding from the surface. He then led them over to a secluded room, with six stone tables, angled towards the ceiling. "Uk-tor, take your place on the table, and I will implant the power-suit into your back. Slip this mask onto your beak, and relax, it'll all be over in a second.
When Uk-tor awoke, he felt a cooling sensation coming from his back, and knew that the operation had been successful. "Dad, where did Jo-tey go?"
   "He went to the coming of age for the others in your class. How does your back feel? Is anything stiff?"
   "My back has a cooling feeling, and is a little sore, but aside from that I'm fine. How exactly do I work this? I can't wait to try it out!"
"Uk-tor, you cannot use this unless there is an emergency involving your life, and in no other circumstances can you use your weapons. To activate it, you must put all of your strength in your back, around where you can feel the cold, and your suit will materialize around you. It will be painless, unless you move while the suit is forming, then from there, you crouch into the tightest ball form you can to activate the morph-ball functionality. If the need be, you can get your power-suit painted at the repair shop, if you have enough Chozids. Aside from that, you can now enter all the sections of Chozodia, aside from the restricted testing center. Do you understand?"
   "Yes Dad, I'm going to go see the new areas of the city, I'll be back by dinner-time!" Uk-tor said as he materialized the power-suit and left the room in search of brighter things. He walked out of the room, and around the corridors which led him to his home, where he saw the tunnel that had piqued his curiosity since he was old enough to understand his surroundings. He crouched down as his father had told him, and the metallic suit around him did the rest. He was formed into a small ball, half his size. From then, he saw a bluish screen form around his eyes, which showed him the area directly in-front of him, as well as his sides and back. Uk-tor rolled through the hole into a whole new world.


CHAPTER 2

The area outside Uk-tor's home was insanely bright, being lit by Talus-13. While he was growing up, the brownish stone walls were always lit only by luminators, which gave off a light blue tinge. This outside world was actually lit by sunlight, and Uk-tor found it amazing. Before he left the area, he saw So-ley, the girl he had been admiring since his third cycle. She had her power-suit decorated a bright pink, with purple details and a blue glow to it. He un-morphed and walked over to talk to her.
"Hey, So-ley, I see you got your power suit! It looks great, how did you afford to get it colored from the bland orange?" Uk-tor was panicking inside. As much as he liked her, he had nothing to say, and he looked stupid.
   "Hey Uk-tor! You didn't know they give you your first style free? It's their way of promoting sales, although I don't know how well of a job they are doing, because not many people change their suit, because it becomes their trademark, so they might make more money off of charging for first time..." So-ley had always secretly admired Uk-tor, but she was deathly afraid to tell him, because she feared rejection. She thought that he would hate her for always talking on about logistics, when he actually adored it.
   " Are you serious? That sounds awesome, but, will y-you come with me?" Uk-tor stuttered his last words out of nervous-ness.
" I'd love to! Do you know the way, or do I need to show you? Actually, I can just tell you that it's right around the corner from the archives. Wait, you don't know the way there do you? Actually, just follow me, I can show you." So-ley and Uk-tor walked to the repair shop to get Uk-tor's suit colored. He chose to decorate it a darker orange, with yellow trim and red glow. After the painting was finished, he and So-ley walked home together, and hugged before they walked separate ways to their homes. Uk-tor rolled into his house to find Ju-zan waiting for him, with a stern look across his face.
"I thought I told you to be home by dinner? Well, you missed it, so you are grounded for the entirety of tomorrow." Uk-tor's father walked over to him and flipped a lever on the back of his suit, causing it to de-materialize, until he removed the disc from it's hinges, leaving Uk-tor a shadow of his former self.


CHAPTER 3 (Should I skip a few years here, or continue with the current time period?
[/spoiler]

[Zhs2]

Chapter 1 is like the introduction sequence in a modern video game.

Chapter 2 is like an awkward first romance novel with a really sad ending.

In both of these cases they feel a bit exaggerated since they are short and do not seem to gain much elaboration. I would suggest seeing how many more details you could add to each chapter in the way of detailing emotions, body language, surrounding environments, and perhaps the people themselves (if not their life stories, which is something you may want to hold onto as a plot device, their personalities and physical descriptions would do nicely.) If these are your first fanfics, they're a pretty good start, but they need the magic touch I've already described.

As for chapter 3, well, you're the writer. Do what you think is best - if you had ideas for more present day stories, go ahead and write them. Ditto on if you had no more of those and/or thought it would be best to allude to future time periods and go back to the present as needed, in which case you WOULD skip ahead a few years.

As for grammatical analyses, "morph ball", "power suit", "dinner time", "in front", "unmorphed", "nervousness", and "dematerialize" all do not require hyphens. There are also several places where commas are not necessary and the sentences can be completely rewritten, the first few sentences being excellently bad examples.

[Ralisor]

Changelog:
-Expanded on Chapter 1
-Removed the suit coloration, because it doesn't fit the scenario
-Decided to do a chapter or two on Uk-tor's life before time-warping

--Edit--
Scrapped the majority of chapter 2, will re-write after high-school later   :wink:

Will update main post when Chapter 2 is redone.